Excuse me! Are You
Listening?
By
Richard Flint
Each day I watch as people share in conversation. It has
become one of the most enjoyable things that I do. Do you know what you
learn when you study people in conversation? There are a lot of people who
don’t listen! They are there; the conversation is happening, but they are
not listening. You can tell it by their presence. Their body is there,
but their ears are turned off.
How much confusion do you think is created by people not
listening? How many mistakes do you think are made because someone didn’t
listen? How many misunderstandings happen because someone didn’t listen?
You see, a terrible thing happens when people don’t listen — confusion
reigns.
How good are you at listening? Get a sheet of paper and
take my True/False test:
1. When I meet a stranger and they tell me their name, I
will remember it.
2. When people are talking to me and I am not really
interested, I will continue to stay tuned into the conversation.
3. If I go home tired and my spouse wants to talk, I don’t
pretend to listen; I really listen to what they are saying.
4. If I am busy doing something and someone starts
talking, I can shut down what I am doing and give them my full attention.
5. When I am talking on the phone, I will not be doing
something else while I am listening to what the person on the other end is
saying.
6. People come to me to talk because they know I’m a good
listener.
7. I am good at listening to conversations when I don’t
understand what is being said.
8. When I am confused by what is being said, I will ask
questions.
9. At the end of most meetings, I can accurately tell you
what was said.
10. I enjoy listening to people talk.
Answer Key — If you answered True to:
8 of the 10, you are a Great Listener!
7 of the 10, you are an okay Listener.
6 of the 10, you are an average listener.
5 or less of the 10, you don’t listen very well.
How important is the skill of listening? I believe it is
the second most important skill any person needs to develop. Without the
ability to listen is to always miss the information that conversation is
presenting. I have found that most people only hear parts of conversations.
They take those parts and use them to define what they think they have
heard. The result is limited information, misunderstandings, mistakes and
the confusion that happens when you don’t stay for the entire conversation.
The insight I have learned from watching the conversations
of people is how much listening we do with our eyes. The ears are only one
part of the listening process. The eyes give us another perspective of what
is being said.
How many people do you know who communicate better
non-verbally than they do verbally? How many people pretend to be part of
the conversation, but their presence tells you they are not there? Listening
is not something we automatically do. For many listening is a real
challenge. It is a skill they must work on. Don’t forget: the majority
of confusion, misunderstandings and disappointments are the result of
someone not listening.
What do your eyes hear that tells you someone is not
listening?
- Noticing what their eyes are focused on;
- What they are doing with their hands;
- Their posture.
Think about this! What happens to you when you are trying
to convey something of importance to another and you realize they are not
listening?
- Does it upset you?
- Does it make you feel unimportant to them?
- Do you want to grab them and tell them to listen to you?
- Do you walk away feeling you don’t matter?
Most don’t understand the message not listening sends. It
is a way people judge their importance in another’s life. Words are thoughts
looking for a partner. When they fall on deaf ears or on ears that are
pretending to listen, it sends a message of disrespect. It tells a person
they are not worthy of your presence. Over a period of time it will result
in conversations that are either strained or nonexistent.
Listening is a process that requires focused effort. When
you understand the process and learn how to implement, you take some of the
stress out of your life and the life of others.
This is the process I think is required in listening:
- Letting go of your negative fears
- Insuring the pace is manageable
- Staying for the entire conversation
- Truth
- Emotional control
- Needing to resolve issues
- Information gathering
- No games
- Growth environment
Each of these steps in the process are critical components
to preparing the person to listen with their ears and their eyes. Put these
together and you have prepared a person to listen to all that is happening
in and around their life. When listening improves so does one’s life.
Richard Flint, for ten years,
Richard has been working as a coach to many of North America’s
leading companies, leaders and salespeople. His coaching
approach is different than most. It is more about the behavior
of people and/or organization, rather than the wrongs. His
belief is behavior never lies. He teaches that the essence of
who a person is, is demonstrated through their behavior and not
their words. Richard is a master at examining behavior and
taking people from contradiction to consistency.
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