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How Did This Mess Happen?
By Richard Flint

Carla approached me at the conclusion of my program with this little girl look on her face. She stood in front of me for a moment and then said with this sheepish grin on her face, “Okay, you said you could read us while you were speaking. So, what do you see in me?”

            I paused looked her squarely in the eyes and responded, “Are you really ready for this?”
            I think my response took her by surprise. The look on her face turned from a sheepish grin to a look of astonishment. She looked at me and said in a much quieter voice, “Yes, I really want to know what you see when you look at me.”

            “I see someone whose life is in a mess. The energy around your life is so scattered. I feel like you are running in so many different directions you don’t even know where you have been or where you are going. The reality is you are running away, but you keep running in a circle that just keeps pulling you deeper and deeper into an emotional pit.”

            Watching her face I knew I had hit her between the eyes and she wasn’t expecting that. I watched her eyes as she struggled to keep the tears from rolling down her cheeks, but it was to no avail.

            “How did you know that? I am great at hiding behind my mask. I can fake it to the point that most people think I am this happy go lucky person, but I am not. I am a mess. My life is out of control and I struggle each day just to get up and make it through my day. I don’t make it through most days.”

            The pause told me she was really working to compose herself. “I am at my wits end. Everywhere I turn there is more stuff for me to deal with. I have no safe haven in my life. I am really a mess!”

            Carla is not alone with living a life that is a mess. The majority of people spend their time creating a mess for their life and then, don’t know what to do to get out of it. The longer they stay in the mess the greater the feeling they will never get out of it. This takes us back to the major theme I have built the majority of my year writing about – each day you either feed your confusion or strengthen your clarity. The truth is — the choice a person makes determines whether confusion or clarity defines their life. Each, confusion or clarity, creates a pathway they have to travel.

            So, I want to pose two questions and then answer them.

                        • How does a person get their in such a mess?

                        • If one’s life is a mess, how do they get out of it?

            There are four actions a human takes to mess-up their life. First, they make bad decisions. The truth is they make dumb decisions. People will look at a situation, know it isn’t right for them and jump in with both feet.

            Why do they do that? The majority of the time their emotions are ruling their life. They know what they should do – that is their internal whisper talking to them, BUT rather than listen to their inner voice, they follow their emotions and the mess begins.

            The second of the actions that makes one’s life a mess is the emotional entanglements they get into. Most people don’t confront the issues in their life; they avoid them. Everytime they avoid an issue, they bring and stack more emotions. The stacking of the emotions just entangles them to the point the person can’t see the pathway because of the emotional maze they have created.

            The third action that makes one’s life a mess is the fact they stare at the mess, rather than work to clean it up. All of us are going to make a mess of our life at some point. That is just being human, BUT that doesn’t mean the mess has to continue. That is a choice. With that choice comes behaviors designed to support the choice. As long as they sit there and stare at the mess they have made, the mess they have created will just grow.

            The fourth action that makes one’s life a mess is the fact they stay the same. Sameness is a trap most people get caught in. They know what they need to do to improve their life; they will talk to others about what they need to do, BUT each day they walk out and repeat the mess they are in. They live in a world of good intentions designed to make them feel good for the moment. The challenge is — inside they know they are lying to self; they know their life is a series of words, not behaviors designed to improve who they are or where they are standing.

            Let’s say a person gets their life in a mess; I mean they are trapped in a world of sameness where everyday they wrestle with all the emotional garbage they have spent time creating. How do they redefine the process of feeding the confusion they have placed in their life. It is important a person understands, “They bring the confusion to their life.” Confusion is not a happening; it is a choice that is made and then implemented. How does that person turn their life around? Let me suggest four steps to unraveling a messy life.

            First, make asking the right question the starting point. Most of the messes people get their life into are because they race in with their emotions out of control and the mind is not a part of the decision they are making. I will guarantee if this is the process the result will be a mess that will take any life on a dangerous journey. To avoid this, one must stop before they make any decision, look at the situation and ask, “Will this feed my confusion or strengthen my clarity?” This first step is so simple and so powerful. I have people come to me and thank me just for this insight.

            I was at breakfast the other morning with one of my private coaching students who finally understood the power to this question. She looked at me and said with a smile on her face, “Your question works; I mean it really works. When you first told me to do this, I thought it was to simple to work. I have to tell you it is simple and it does work. That one question has helped me more than anything I have used in years.”

            The question, “Will this feed my confusion or strengthen my clarity” is designed to slow one down emotionally and allow their center of understanding (one’s brain) to become a vital part of what is happening.

            The next step involves exiting if the pathway is leading to confusion. It is one thing for a person to understand the pathway and another to not go there. I can’t tell people the number of times I have had heard, “I knew the decision was wrong from the beginning, BUT there was just something inside me that wouldn’t let me go there.”

            The challenge here is a person’s emotional gathering. The more one gets sucked into a situation the more challenging it becomes to stop the emotional gathering that is going on. The more emotions one collects, the greater the challenge in stopping the path they are walking on. This makes asking the right question even more important. One has to be strong enough to pause in the midst of the emotional gathering, slow down and realize where they are headed. If one doesn’t the emotional damage that is done will bring them down even more.

            Step three involves staying at a manageable pace. Can you see the process here? The greater the emotional gathering, the faster the emotional pace one is traveling. The faster one is moving emotionally the less they are willing to listen; when one stops listening, they close out any possibility for their mind to bring definition to what is happening. This makes their presence dangerous to self and others.

            Pace is so important to the management of life. What many fail to realize is pace controls the internal sight one is using. The wrong pace will feed one’s confusion; the wrong pace will blind a person to what is really happening in their life. One has to stay at a manageable pace.

            The final step requires strengthening your life by reaching out to the right people. Everyone needs a support group, but not just people in their life that gives them opinions. Opinions become food for confusion. Opinions can’t offer clarity; they are simply words someone states that really can’t be validated. Accepting opinions just makes decision more perplexing.

            The right people won’t offer opinions; they will ask the right questions that will make one slow down and face what they are doing. One may not like what they are asking, but their presence in one’s life is to offer guidance, not words.

            This may sound harsh, but it must be understood. If one’s presence only offers confusion, they should be eliminated. Their presence is making a statement about their lack of concern. Their opinions shows they are not on a pathway of personal improvement. Keeping people in one’s life who are only there to continue confusion will result in the continual feeding of confusion, not the strengthening of clarity.

            Making a mess of one’s life is a choice, not a happening. Remember, each day a person is involved in either feeding their confusion or strengthening their clarity. Hey, which one are you best at right now? Don’t blame life for the mess; look in the mirror and realize it was your choice.