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You As A Contradiction
By Richard Flint

If what you say you want is contradicted by what you do,

then you are lying to yourself and all you have said it to.

            He was one of those people I got to experience, but never got to meet. He appeared, spoke and was gone. To this day I don’t know his name.

            I was in St. Louis at the Adams Mark Hotel to speak for Amway/Quixtar. I was excited to be there. It was an evening filled with people whose energy was just pounding. The challenge was the design of the evening schedule. I was scheduled to speak at 8:00 p.m. for 90 minutes. It didn’t take long for them to get behind schedule. There were some speakers who either couldn’t tell time or just didn’t care they were stealing from those who were behind them.

            Anyway, by the time they got around to me it was 11:25 p.m. Now, I know you would have still been awake and in your seat waiting for my presentation. Realizing the lateness of the hour and feeling for the people who had been there since 6:00 p.m., I decided to take twenty one minutes and share with them information I consider to be the #1 issue you must face if you want to grow — personal honesty.

            I learned, when I was doing private counseling, that most people don’t face their life with honesty. It is too risky for them. They know if they do, they are going to have to become accountable for what is happening in their life. It is so much easier for them to just lie to self and others. They feel it saves them a lot of pain. Reality is — it causes them much more anguish and personal frustration.

            The next morning I was at breakfast. If you know me, you know I don’t sleep very much. My rest requirements are four hours. That means I am a very early riser. Normally, I am the first one in the restaurant. I was enjoying my coffee and working on an article when I spotted him.

            He was standing in the corner watching me. After 20 years of watching and studying people, you can figure out what they are going to do. I knew he needed to talk, and I had been chosen to be the recipient of his words. I figured by the time I got my computer shut down he would be at my table.

            Just as I closed the lid to my computer, he was at my table. He stood there for a minute just staring at me. I figured he either didn’t know where to start or was wondering if he should really do this.

            He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and said, “Can I talk to you?”

            I smiled and replied, “Sure.” I pointed to a chair and continued, “sit down.”

            He stepped back got this stern look on his face, “No! I didn’t say I wanted to sit with you. I just need to talk to you.”

            I guess he read the surprise on my face. The stern look melted a little, but he continued. “I was in your audience last night and your little talk is the reason I couldn’t sleep. I sat up all night arguing with you.”

            His look turned to one of near anger. “How could you talk to me like that? Yes, I have told people I want to be successful with this. No, it wasn’t the truth, but I wasn’t going to tell them that. I could do this if I chose to, but I just wanted to see what it was all about.”

            He paused and the anger turned to a deep look of pain. “That has been my way of living for years. I am good at starting things, but never completing them. I get excited and then seem to lose interest. I brag to others about what I am going to accomplish and then have to stay away because I don’t ever do it. My wife says I spend all my time lying to myself. She just laughs when I come up with something new I am going to do.”

            He paused again, looked at me with disgust and continued. “Reality is, I have been lying to myself for forty years and you or no one else is going to change that fact!”

            With that he turned and walked out of my life. As he walked away my mind was racing with what had just happened. I took out my legal pad and wrote this thought. If what you say you want is contradicted by what you do, then you are lying to yourself and all you have said it to.

            Would you agree that is the truth?

            How much confusion is created by living in a world of good intentions?  You find something that piques your interest, jump into it and then exit before you have finished the journey.

            How much frustration do you think you create for others when you tell them what you are going to do, they take what you are saying as fact and then, you don’t deliver? After a period of time do you think they stop believing what you say?

            Most don’t realize just because you quit doesn’t mean your mind stops working on what it has started. Your mind doesn’t file anything until it has been completed. Each thing you start, but don’t complete, remains an open file your mind thinks about, keeps pulling out and reminding you of.

            The result of a life that doesn’t complete is a life that is scattered. Everywhere you look there are mental, emotional and physical stacks that steal energy.

            The result of a life that doesn’t complete is a life that frustrates others who are depending on them. People want to believe what you tell them, but if your behavior says you can’t be trusted to do what you have promised to do, they soon just stop believing in you.

            The result of a life that doesn’t complete what it starts is a life that is always tired from wrestling with time. Those who don’t finish are always having to justify to themselves or others why things are not getting done. It is time consuming and very draining.

            A life that is driven by contradictions becomes a life that is trapped in the Circle of Sameness. It can’t move forward; it can only move in circles. Even if it starts something new, it cannot move forward. There are too many unfinished items hanging around as mental residue. The mental residue makes it impossible for the mind to stay focused on what is in front of it. The stacks keep calling out for attention. If the stacks involve others, then there are all the fires to fight. Each day is a series of moments where you touch things to keep them from becoming a bond fire, rather than completing things so you can move forward.

            A life that is driven by contradictions is a life that soon loses the trust others had for them. It is impossible to trust someone who keeps creating contradictions. Why would you expect someone to believe in you when your behavior keeps creating their disappointments?  When people can no longer trust in you, they no longer want to be around you.

            Most who are like this gentleman are controlled by the fear of failure or the fear of rejection. Their behavior is that of a person who doesn’t have a solid foundation to build on. They start out filled with excitement, but become trapped when the excitement is replaced by fear they don’t know how to confront. Negative fear kills excitement. Negative fear creates such a feeling of uncertainty that you are trapped in a world of “what if.”

            That world creates a person who talks big, but lives small. Their life becomes a series of statements that are constantly contradicted by their behavior.

            Contradictions are mentally paralyzing. They take mental energy that could be given to events that will push your life forward, rather than stealing energy that leaves you exhausted.

Here are some questions for you to honestly answer:

      •  Do you start things you don’t intend to complete?

      •  Do you live in a world where stacks steal your energy?

      •  When you tell someone you are going to do something, do they see you as a person they can trust?

      •  Is yours a life of contradictions?

How Do You Stop Lying To Yourself?

   S       stay focused on the “now”

   T       take inventory of the stacks that now exist

  O       organize yourself to take action

   P       pause periodically and study your behavior